Retro Thing

Hold-Tite Numbering Tacks

Since become an apartment dweller, I no longer have to go through the autumnal ritual of taking down the window screens and putting up the storm windows.  I remember it being a helluva task, but even worse was putting screens back up in the spring.  Even though all the windows were the same, over the years the screens warped and bent to an almost custom fit.  The retreat of the snows meant many trips up and down the ladder trying to cajole all of the screens back into place.

It never occurred to me to mark the windows somehow - especially in a way that would weather the years.  Proving that there is no new idea under the sun, the folks behind Acro Hold-Tite Numbers knew my pain all the way back in 1948.  Each set of these heavy tacks (in rustproof "white brass" according to the package) contains clearly numbered pairs; one to nail into the window ledge, the other into the screen.  Just match up the numbers in the springtime, and your home is practically insect proof.

I've not seen a modern product like this (what are you supposed to use these days... one of those electronic label makers?), but I guess that screen window technology has moved on to be better fitting.  Then again, don't those precision aluminum framed screens look goofy on a gorgeous old Victorian house?  If any of you are faced with a similar problem, perhaps the ol' Hold-Tite tacks hint at some innovative solution you can adopt (besides foisting the task onto your children, of course...).

If nothing else, at least you can think about this strong-armed anthropomorphized tack who's entire self-worth is predicated on helping you keep your screens sorted.

Now that I think about it, why were they so worried about keeping bugs out with screens in 1948?  Weren't people just slathering everything with DDT?

Seriously weird harmonica - a perfect xmas present?

Have no fear, we're not about to subject you to a blow-by-blow history of the harmonica. Instead, let's consider the fun you could have by giving everyone on your Christmas list one of these puppies. This $119.95 trumpet harmonica is based upon a 1907 design that is guaranteed to drive even the most docile house plant into a carnivorous rage within minutes. It features five brass bells and a pearwood comb core.

"Two brass Knittlinger-replica reed plates are affixed to either side of the comb using the traditional nailing method and enclosed by two cover plates, creating 10 double holes and a total of 40 reeds. The brass bells all connect to the air chamber, and blowing or drawing on one of the holes passes air through the nearest bell, resulting in the classic Hohner vibrato. The harmonica is tuned to the key of C-major." Just like the muffler on Uncle Helmut's pickup truck.

Replica 1907 Hohner Trumpet Harmonica [Hammacher Schlemmer]

R.I.P. Boots Randolph 1927-2007 - Composer of "Yakety Sax"

Saxophonist Boots Randolph passed away a few days ago.  While he made a career of playing with the likes of Roy Orbison and brass-man Al Hirt, the world will forever remember his 1963 instrumental novelty hit "Yakety Sax".

Even if you don't recognize his hit single by name, you likely know it very well - especially if you've ever seen more than five minutes of The Benny Hill Show.  Hill would often drop "Yakety Sax" into his frenetic silent movie-like sketches, and very frequently used the tune as his closing music while being chased by barely dressed lovelies.

Thanks for everything, Boots - I'll never look at a parade of fast-moving nurses without thinking of you.

Wonderful YouTube tribute, performed only using hands (and a lot of man jewelry)

"Yakety Sax" again, but this time accompanying a shrimp on a treadmill

Past Presidents Immortalized As Avon Aftershave

It's Independence Day as I write this, and here in the USA we have a lot of oddball ways of celebrating the history of our country.  In the last few years, USA kitsch has been coming on like gangbusters.  Before that it took an event like the Bicentennial to bring on the bushels of tributes to Americana.

These 7 inch busts are of presidents, and uh... Ben Franklin (the only President of the United States that's never been President of the United States...).  You twist their heads off and then dribble on some Wild Country aftershave and pretend that you smell better.

Dating back to 1977, the aftershave in the heads of these presidents still smells pretty good.  I don't know how much of the original essence has evaporated, but I could see still using this sweet smelling stuff after one of my typical abortive attempts at shaving. 

Avon missed the boat though.  It would be better if the different presidents had cologne that matched their character.  Washington could be cherry blossoms (remember the cherry tree?  Not too manly tho...), Roosevelt would be some sort of musky smell to honor the teddy bear incident, and Jefferson could perhaps smell of Mulberries (I'll let you look that one up yourselves...) or maybe capture the aroma of a nice pile of shiny nickels.

I'm not sure what Ben Franklin's signature scent could be, but let's remember he did write a book entitled "Fart Proudly" - so perhaps it's not that hard to imagine.  God Bless America.

Plastic Presidents - one of Retro Thing's most popular posts!

Pencil Sharpeners In Disguise As Antique Miniatures

As a kid, there was a land of wonders on our way home from school.  This Shan-gri-la was called "Elmwood Cleaners".  Not only was Emily the local Avon lady and dry cleaner magnate, her shop was filled with all kinds of knick knacks and toys.  It's where we could spend our pocket money on mini Rubik's Cubes and Wacky Wall-walkers.

When Mother's Day rolled around, there were some crappy gifts that even a kid could afford.  Among the "classiest" were these antique finished miniatures.  Not only were they models of gadgets of yesteryear, but they doubled as pencil sharpeners.  Um... handy, I guess.

I can't place when these are from, but from the typography on the boxes, I'd guess that they're from about  the 60's, but I still see these in gift shops from time to time today  They're made of cheap pig iron, and so don't survive falls very well.  I remember that each one featured at least one moving feature - the clock clicks as you move the hands around, the camera's bellows open up (conveniently dumping out the shrapnel from the sharpener), etc.

Check out the antique projector to the right of a model of a more modern super 8 model.  Somewhere there were pencil sharpener craftsmen keeping up with the tech of the day.  Might there be a Betamax pencil sharpener out there (emptying the pencil shavings by ejecting the tape of course...)?

On some mother's day, I'm sure that my own mother stifled a grimace when her well-meaning son gave her an antique-finished model of a plow.  A plow that sharpens pencils, I still remind her...

Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed

Since it's that road-trip time of year, my thoughts drift back to the 1970's when my own family piled into the Skylark and navigated the roads of the American Midwest.  Since that would have obviously been  pre-internet, the only way to comparison shop the hotels was to read their neon signs as you whizzed by.  Signs proclaimed "heated pool", "color TV" - my favorite sign had some words that ran together to read "air conditioned switchboard".  But what about those signs that also included the mystically named "magic fingers"?

In 1958, John Houghtaling invented Magic Fingers, a device mounted onto a hotel bed that would shake the mattress under you for 15 minutes, promising escape from the work-a-day non-vibrating bed world.  Let me describe the experience to you.  First you drop 25 cents into the coin box at the head of the bed.  There is a buzz from deep within the mattress, and very quickly the fine lines printed on the bedspread go into soft focus.  Panicked, you wonder whether it's scientifically possible to rattle the eyes out of your head.  Eventually you are able to let go and enjoy the body massage by imagining that you are sleeping on a giant purring cat. 

You're able to forget for a while that you're in a cheap motel, that the vibrating bed has probably been used less for its therapeutic advantages, and more as a giant kinky toy.  That's right, forget it all, let go... and right when you've drifted off into a quarter-fueled zen state, your time is up and the bed grinds to a halt.  You rack your brain trying to remember where you may have stashed some more change, and the cycle begins again.

The company is still around, at least in name - perhaps they are another zombie brand?  There's precious little information at their website, only the offer of the home game version of Magic Fingers.  In a way, it seems like Magic Fingers would work better at home anyway - you could have longer and more regular massage sessions to work away stress and help you to get to sleep.  Just keep a tin cup near the bed so you can drop in a quarter and hear the "clink" that let's you know the fun is about to start.

Magic Fingers official website (you've just GOTTA tell us if you buy one, or put one on your wedding registry...)

DIY Mona Lisa, Sort Of...

There is only one Mona Lisa, though she has grown to be an icon of all of art.  How many novelty neckties, mouse pads, and Terry Gilliam cartoons feature the enigmatic lady?  In modern times, some credit Andy Warhol for popularizing the image of the Mona Lisa in his art, raising the work to icon status much like Elvis or Marilyn Monroe.  The painting is even a main plot point in one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes, "City of Death".

Certainly there are so many bits of knock-off Mona merch, that anyone can partake of her contemplative and knowing gaze.  In this photo you can see that someone went even further.  Not content with the mere image of Mona Lisa, this artist sought to re-create the work as a real painting.  A reasonable copy (certainly well beyond my skills as an artist) took shape, but take a closer look at the face.  It's another woman!  Call the Louvre!  Break out your daVinci Code decoder rings! 

I'm pretty sure that there is no sinister sub-plot of forgery happening here.  Perhaps a talented amateur created this homage to the Mona Lisa, replacing the visage with someone close at hand.  Or is this an example of a smart painter-for-hire who can plug any face onto what is perhaps the most recognized piece of art in the world?  A kit maybe?

In any case I call the painting "The Mona Kowalski" (Don't you agree that she looks like a Mona?).   This is definitely one of my favorite thrift store paintings I've ever found.  It'll be tough to beat, unless somewhere out there I find a painting of two large sad-eyed children dressed as harlequins slaughtering Ziggy.  Look, I'm only saying what everyone else is thinking.

Corvette Car Phone Scam

Back in the 70's & 80's my parents got a lot of offers to tour retirement communities.  The lure wasn't just the promise of endless days of leisure and hot and cold running Geritol, but there was also the excitement of the elaborate and expensive prizes they'd won!  My folks weren't interested in living anywhere but their suburban bungalow home, but the prizes were intriguing enough to agree to these tours.

A particularly memorable prize was a "car phone".  Now try to remember that back in the day only Mannix and K.I.T.T. had car phones, so it sounded like a heck of a prize.  Hours of high pressure sales lectures later, my parents were presented with the above drek.  Unfortunately my father wasn't type of guy to say, "Ha ha... a car shaped phone.  Great, ya got me.  Now which of you should I talk with about punching in the face?"

Not ones to go through the tedium of learning from their mistakes, my parents were hoodwinked with similar "Let's Make A Deal" quality gag prizes a number of times.  The other one that leaps to mind is the "deluxe motor boat" which turned out to be a 6 foot long inflatable raft with a trolling motor that looked like it came off of a toy. 

Before you ask - yes, we still have the raft.  I'll use it when we win the opportunity to invest in real estate along a fragrant and thriving ecosystem... which will turn out to be a backed up sewage canal.

Retro Themed Lottery Cards

We've written about zombie brands before, old nameplates resuscitated to sell new product, but these lottery cards are just weird.  I see some sense in the Rubik's Cube ticket since the game involves numbers in a cube, but Betty Boop?  I guess that  Betty is still slapped on everything decades after she was last on screen, so I shouldn't be surprised.  I'm actually a huge Boop fan; I love anything from the Fleischer studios (creators of the Popeye cartoons) of that era. 

I guess that I'm being naive in wishing that the industry of low-rent gambling wouldn't choose one of my all-time favorite characters as a spokesmodel.  To anticipate your next question, no I didn't play the ticket.  I just didn't have faith that Betty's boop-oop-a-doop would net me more than the $5 it would cost to play.  Now maybe if the ticket featured Scrooge McDuck...

The Ghosts of Futures Past

I thought you might enjoy this amusing collection of postcards printed around 1900 by German chocolate and cocoa manufacturer Hildebrand. They depict a fanciful vision of the world in the year 2000.

People are awful at predicting the future. This is especially true when imagining future technologies. The problem is that we are blissfully unaware of future paradigm shifts and radical innovations (not to mention cultural changes). Oddly enough, these shifts aren't as frequent as you might suspect.

Looking back to the year 1900, the world was entering an age of incandescent light bulbs and considering the possibilities of the internal combustion engine. The benefits of X-Rays had been discovered, and motion pictures were an amusing curiosity. However, modern assembly line manufacturing was unheard of, airplanes were still a few years off, and electronic miniaturization and most of today's clever gadgetry made possible by the transistor was still a half century away.

Fast forward just over a century, and the incandescent light bulb still dominates most of the world, along with its old friend the internal combustion engine (cough, cough). Motion picture film still captures arguably the best moving images and chances are you'll receive an x-ray when you break a bone or visit the dentist. It makes you wonder which vintage technologies will be lingering a century from now. I just hope someone figures out teleportation before my next holiday.

Postcards Show the Year 2000 (circa 1900)

Shriner's Fez

It's been a while since I've posted on Retro Thing.  I've been working on a number of projects behind the scenes here at RT Chicago, but I'd rather have been relaxing in a hammock with some cool exotic drink and crowned with a fez.

When we see a fez today, we automatically think of leopard print smoking jackets and the pipe and snifter crowd.  Yet the history of the fez is a lot less fun.  It's been everything from a military headpiece to an important Islamic symbol.  Religious comic book artist Jack Chick even maintains that the fez was originally dyed red from the blood of murdered Christians.  Eww.

So how did the fez become so closely identified with the 50's leisure class?  It may perhaps come from the late 19th century English custom of relaxing in the evening in a smoking jacket and a knit cap resembling a fez.  You can still see fezzes in use around the world, but today the most common place an American might see a fez is atop a frolicking Shriner. 

Shriners are a fraternal organization tied to the Masons, most famous for their fezzes and children's hospitals (and their motorized cars that look like flying carpets, but that's another post).  The Shriners formed in the 1870's, taking on an abstracted Arabic look including the traditional headgear.  Shriners have always known know how to toss back their tassel and have fun at their frequent meetings, so it's no wonder that the fez would come to symbolize fun and relaxation even to those of us who are not members of quasi-secret organizations.

This particular fez is blinged out with precious gems spelling out "Zuhrah" (whatever that means), atop a sabre/sphinx logo, and declares the wearer the 1971 president of the band.  I found the wearer's name in the hatband ("fezband"?) and his Minneapolis Shriner's group.  I shouldn't be surprised that this fez ended up here in Chicago given the long strange trip that the fez has made through history.

Play Pac-Man with a Nickel

The sports card publisher Fleer got the video game bug in the early 80's.  They seem to have suffered especially from Pac-Man fever, and produced collectible stickers and rub-off games. 

The Pac-Man series was packaged just like bubblegum cards, including the taste-free slat of gum.  The sticker variety was rather limited, which I guess is no surprise given the subject matter.  You'd get a ghost and a Pac-Man, each with a word bubble containing what you could euphemistically refer to as a "joke". 

When I bought these as a kid, what I was interested in was the rub-off game.  The maze was similar to the arcade's, but instead of little dots to eat the course is covered in golden scratch off circles.  You grab your favorite gaming nickel (ahh, so THAT'S where this post's title refers to) and scratch away revealing dots (gulp!), blue ghosts (yum!), or the evil colored ghost mosters (wah-wah-wah).

We didn't have a Pac-Man machine anywhere in the neighborhood, so these cards were the closest thing.  Supplemented by a kid's imagination, it was actually sort of fun.  Soon other arcade titles appeared as rub-off games including Ms. Pac-Man, Super Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and even Dragon's Lair.

I found a few of these cards from my childhood, and the scratch-off dots are now impenetrable.  They were always a little hard to scratch off (probably to protect against rough handling and packaging), but the mysterious material is now molecularly bonded to the card,  What's the lesson here?   Don't save every little piece of junk from your childhood thinking you'll have fun with it again someday!

More than you ever wanted to know about rub-off video games

Gallery of many (if not all) of the stickers

Gay Products Plastic Toothbrushes

There's not a great deal to say about this store display.  What you're seeing is a genuine product - this firm created a full line of colorful plasticware decades ago. 

My only real question is as to whom framed it.  Do you think that this was framed back in the 50's as a product sample, or might it be a snickering look at how much a single word can change over the years?

Exploding Candy

I have vivid memories of being a nine year-old kid and spending my entire allowance on Pop Rocks - tiny sugary chunks that cheerfully pop and crackle in your mouth. My parents had never allowed me to purchase such a dubious substance, and so I did what any sane 9 year-old would do in my position: I opened three packages simultaneously and tossed them enthusiastically into my mouth. Half went down my throat and began to fizz and pop in the nooks and crannies of my esophagus. The other half coated my mouth and tongue. Everything began to pop and fizzle.

For a terrified few seconds, I was convinced that I was mere moments away from exploding.

I coughed, spluttered and choked noisily, while my best friend Erik convulsed with laughter and the shopkeeper regarded the entire scene with detached bemusement. "Hey kid! Do that outside my shop next time, OK?"

1960's Welcome Back Kit

James has been out of commission for about a week - not only due to the holiday, but his internet access got conked out.  He'll be posting again in the next few days, so here's a post to welcome him back.

As you can imagine, I've given more than my fair share of novelty gifts.  Often they're cheap, only fun for the length of the party (if you're lucky) - but if they're kept at all, they can be a little souvenir of good times.  The 60's abounded with strange little boxed novelty kits, and this is one of the strangest. 

The Welcome Pac (their spelling, not mine) has cute greeting card quality graphics proclaiming it's being perfect for home comings and red carpet occasions, by including party favors, brass band, and even Tums antacid & aspirin.  1968 was the space age after all, so perhaps the little box also had some special tablets that only required a few drops of water to create an instant party?

No space age good times here.  The stuff in the box embraces another 60's concept - that of the "mini".  The noisemakers and confetti are full sized, but the rest of the package is a pile of toy food, a mini red carpet, and other doll-sized party accoutrements.

I'd hate to think that there's something here that I'm just not getting - I can only hope that the kit is just not very funny.  Maybe I should simply down the 40 year old aspirin, have a quiet miniature celebration and just call it a day.