Retro Thing

Flashback to the Roman Empire

I have vivid memories of Latin class in school. Mostly, it was turbid drudgery because there are few good reasons for a sane teenager to learn a dead language. Still, I have to admit that the Romans did a fairly good job of Shock and Awe several thousand years before the term was co-opted by modern mechanized armies.

Lorica Segmentata (segmented armor) became quite common in the Roman Army in the first century A.D. For me, it typifies the look of a Roman Legionnaire, although chain mail shirts were probably more common among the proletariat foot soldiers. 

Windlass Steelcrafts produces a reproduction of classic Lorica in 18 gauge steel. It weighs a jaunty 17 lbs 6 oz, perfect for a quick march down the nearest road to quell local uprisings and fight off naked savages. Available for $439.99 (Canadian) from Reliks Inc., who report it's faithfully "copied from a type of Lorica found in Newstead, Scotland that dates from the second century A.D. This armor is quite flexible and allows plenty of freedom of movement."

Reproduction Roman Armor at Reliks Swords & Collectibles

Hermes Military Field Typewriters

This is the typewriter equivalent of a Humvee. Or, since it's Swiss, it's more likely the word processing version of a vintage army bike trailer. These $149 Hermes Model 3000-Media manual typewriters saw service with the Swiss Army, ensuring that a never-ending deluge of administrative orders were handled with, uhh, military precision.

Each of these 100% electricity-free beasts weighs about 7.5 kg and includes a hard case and instructions (E.g.: Insert paper. Press key with moderate force. Giggle with glee as letters magically appears on paper. Repeat. Wonder where all the paper went.) The Hermes was eventually replaced by a more modern German-made Triumph-Adler, but Deutsche Optik has 32 surplus units for sale. They cheerfully declare, "Ergonomically easy and comfortable to use. Mechanically and visually damned near perfect. What little dirt is left, won’t alter the function." I hope the keyboard includes Umlauts. That would be über Cööl for writing deranged emo poetry. 

Hermes Manual Portable Field Typewriter

Tankball: Armoured paintball battles

My first paintball battle taught me an important lesson: Women are dangerous. I don't mean in the usual psychological sense, I mean in the "lurk around quietly with a sniper rifle and calmly massacre the enemy" kind of way. I dread to see what would happen in a "friendly" guys vs. girls mechanized battle.

Southfields farm, near Husbands Bosworth in Leicestershire has a long history of paintball competitions. Farm owner Stuart Garner recently decided to up the ante with the purchase of five FV432 Armoured Personnel Carriers -- conveniently outfitted with gun turrets and custom-made 40mm ping pong firing paintball cannons. Armourgeddon has well and truly arrived:

"Their chosen ammunition, fired by compressed air, would be paint-filled ping-pong balls.

The first attempt blasted a ball into orbit. [Cannon inventor Jez Smith] lost sight of it after a mile-and-a-half when it passed the church spire. It also sent a small potato through the sound barrier. Over time, he calmed it to a legal and relatively modest 200mph. Jez then designed a 40mm, 8ft steel barrel to slot into the turret and the company now has five. 'Obviously, these aren't proper guns with rifled barrels or they'd be illegal,' says Stuart, 38. 'But a ping-pong ball full of liquid doing 300ft per second is lethal. That's why we operate with sealed hatches."

The cost for a couple of hours of heart-pounding tank warfare is anything but lethal: a 2 hour tank battle costs a reasonable £55 per person, as does a 45 minute driving lesson.

Armourgeddon: Military vehicle driving and tank battles
Weapons of mass decoration [Daily Mail, via Gizmodo]

Shopping For Ex-Military Aircraft

The Internet can be a great place to get lost. Case in point: I stumbled across Global Plane Search yesterday. They list thousands of aircraft for sale, but the best part of the site is their ex-military section.

Always wanted a restored WWII P-51 Mustang? This one's yours for a mere $1.5M. While you're shopping, don't forget to pick up a Mitsubishi Zero for dogfighting. It's only $695,000 but needs a little TLC. After something with a bit more kick? Some dude in Romania is selling a MiG 29 with a mere 717 hours on it. Better brush up on your Russian! And... If you need to do some heavy lifting, don't miss this pair of Lockheed C-130A Hercules.

Global Plane Search

Flintlocks & Bayonets

This 'ere is a $289 reproduction of an early dog lock pistol, popular during the English Civil War. On second thought, they probably weren't that popular with the folks standing at the wrong end.

I'll let Robert Henderson of The Discriminating General describe his handiwork: "With it's 16-inch, octagon-to-round barrel, this pistol must have been challenge to wield in the melée of battle. As with all of our flintlocks, this replica is made faithful to those of the period with tempered seamless modern steel  (type:BS970 no.080M40) with a threaded breech plug. The lock is made with strong durable springs and has a  case-hardened frizzen (hammer) that throws good sparks. We use a cyanide case-hardening factory process that makes sparking both more reliable and longer lasting. Presently no other musket provider uses this technique."

In real life, Henderson serves as a consultant for the National Archives of Canada and numerous Parks Canada military sites. His replicas are historically accurate and can be altered to a firing state by a certified gunsmith. As with most items of this nature, don't point them at people, don't sneak them onto aircraft, and try not to spill black powder and shot all over the living room floor.

Muskets, Pistols, and Bayonets (The Discriminating General)

Real Toy Planes

Kids love toy planes. A few kids are lucky enough to buy the real thing when they grow up. That usually means a clunky used Cessna 172 or an old Piper Arrow. But in recent years, a group of wealthy enthusiasts has taken to importing and restoring old Soviet Block aircraft.

This is the Aero Vodochody L-39 "Albatros," built in the Czech Republic as a two seat jet trainer. Over 2,800 were built following its 1972 introduction. Two hundred of them are now in private hands. It's powered by a single Ivchenko AI-25-TL turbofan engine and is capable of hitting a maximum speed of 485 mph (780 km/h). Ceiling altitude is  37,730 ft, so you'll have lots of sky to play in.

Jet Warbird Training Center offers 35 minute introductory flights in the L-39 for $1200. Flight training runs about $1950 per hour, including aircraft, instructor, and jet fuel.  Expect to pay around $300,000 for a ready-to-fly late 1980s version.

Aero Vodochody L-39 Flight Training (Jet Warbird Training Center)
L-39 "for sale" page (Lots of pictures at Pride Aircraft)

Supermarine Spitfire Mk26 Kitplane

If you happen to have AU$118,250 burning a hole in your IPO-enhanced wallet, here's the perfect way to while away your leisure time. Supermarine Aircraft has been producing Spitfire kits for about a decade. Unlike the original incredibly difficult to build wood and fabric versions Like the original, this recreation is fabricated from durable aluminum. It has a respectable 193 knot (222 mph) top speed, and a range of approximately three hours -- enough to mount a quick early morning sortie to a neighbouring city.

Most of the really hard work has already been done for you, but you'll have to put in about 700 hours of fiddly effort to turn your kit into a lean, mean playing machine. The final product will be an 80% scale easy-to-fly reminder of the original. Expect to spend a couple of hundred hours learning the ropes in more docile aircraft before hopping into your new toy.

Supermarine Spitfire Mk26 Kitplane (Supermarine Aircraft, Australia)

The Red Baron flies again

I like to think I'd make a great fighter pilot, although the truth is I'd probably pee myself at the first sight of enemy aircraft.  But that doesn't stop me from wanting my very own fighter plane.

While I'm at it, I might as well want the most ridiculous fighting machine I can find.  Like this Mifyter kitplane, an original design that's loosely based on a WWI Fokker biplane.  It's powered by a 64 HP Rotax engine, features a leisurely top speed of 95 mph, and weighs a mere 450 lbs empty.  A "standard" kit costs $14,995 but doesn't include the engine, prop, instruments, wooden instrument applique, paint, upholstered seat cushion, and static bomb and guns.

I wonder where one buys guns and bombs for WWI biplanes these days?

MIFYTER kitplane (Biplanes of Yesteryear)